The Lair of The Crimson Butterfly
I don't trust my words very often.. but I trust that others will.
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R.I.P. BB
It wasn`t even 24 hours, and I already miss my phone.
I left it at an unfortunate place, and left it unknowingly. And my subconscious was probably aware of what I lost, because stories relating to losing something kept popping in my head that night.
And then it hit me. And when it became out of reached when we tried calling it, then I know it was gone.
It wasn`t that expensive. But it`s a phone I got for myself for the first time. And I only had it for 2 months, and so soon I had lost it. My blackberry. My baby. And I can only hope that your next owner will take care of you like I did.
You`ve been so sheltered. I cleaned you every so often. I used you moderately, and we made such a connection. And now you`re gone. And somehow, replacing you is difficult.
And now, I feel like I`m talking about a relationship. Lol.
I wanted to cry, to keep crying. But I let it be. I wanted to buy, to buy and replace it imediately. But I had to keep reason at bay with myself. I`m not a child who buys something so quickly like it`s a crappy toy.. Even though technologically speaking, it is.
And somehow, I don`t want to ask anyone to have to deal with it, to have to think of what I should do. It`s just a goddamn phone, and I know I can take care of my temporal dilemma.
But I love Blackberry. And surely, I will get one again. I don`t know how, I don`t know when… but I certainly will.
So, whoever got my phone, please take care of it. It`s practically brand new. Don`t wear it down so easily.
My BB Curve 8520, RIP—-October 2011 to December 2011.
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Malone, an Unconsolidated Inspiration
Disclaimer: Malone isn’t a figment of my imagination. She exists. [Lol]. But it’s not her real name.. if I put it in here then it will just be too obvious then, right? I think she knows who she is. She was one of my readers when I was blogging endlessly almost a year ago. Somehow, she loved it, and what she loved I loved doing as well.
She is within me. She is that fire I sought after to keep my ideas flowing and my inspiration unwavering.
And, I loved her. And she couldn’t, she wouldn’t. But I respect that. And I admire that. And that’s what’s so beautiful about her. She knows when she’s crossing a line or not.
She’s happy. I’m happy. It’s one very good story. And I hope we can be friends in the future. We’ll see.
Anyway, this is not about Malone. And I’m not writing this because I’m not over or anything.
I’m able to write this because I am ready to lay it out in the open, as my blog had always been the source for first-hand gossip of my life, and those around me. [Double lol] I’d rather it comes from me than from anybody else’s… right?
So, here I fire away with a thought or two. I have pending blog drafts I wrote last night, but could not write them all like I used to. A year ago, I was a student still. I’d be tired, but not really. Working is a different matter. So, I will write them all when I get the time to do so.
I stopped writing when I officially stopped pursuing her. Life is a waged war for hopeless romantics, so there. With my inspiration gone and no sense of writing because she might not read it anymore… I shut down. I moved everyday not thinking about what to write, but just what to do to kill time.
It usually takes me half of the night to write several blog entries. I wrote a few after my goodbye with her for my former girlfriend, who was a writer, too. But most of those entries are all oblique attacks to my then writer girlfriend because she can be a prick sometimes, or she can be too much of an angel I had to write it.. and like Malone, the writer ex loved my writings.
That’s also part of the past now. And with no inspiration left, my avid readers has also dwindled since everyone got busy, I shut up.
It’s been almost a year, and now I feel I have the strength to write again.. not for anyone, not for myself. It will be strictly for passion sake, and whoever may read them may be or not be able to relate. Anyway, that’s it. I’m excited to write again.
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Growing Up Is Hard
A few months ago, when something hurts me, I would break things to vent out my anger. I would cry endlessly, not bothering to care where I am, not minding people staring. I would drink liquor until I make it through the night less insane, and intoxicated enough to be numb temporarily. And worst of all, I would cut myself, just to channel my heartache somewhere else and not concentrated in my heart.
I did all these crazy things, because that`s how I have learned to cope up with the things that bothered me. Thinking things through is unbearable for me, too much to intake for someone as emotional as me. And I know all these things are wrong. And I get away with all those things I did, and I know that sooner or later I will have to deal with my pain and heartaches rationally, and without harming myself in the process.
There is no right time to grow up. Like everything else, even destiny is a choice that a person has to make.
I don`t want to keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I have to grow up now. And I believe going through those cycle of mistakes made me lose a lot of people that I shouldn`t have lost.
I have come a long way from being lost and misguided; I lost my best friends and family, as is cliche with most teenage life. Now I have to deal with my own battles, I need to grow up in order to handle my problems with much more dignity and preservation unlike before.
Growing up isn`t a one time thing. Everyday, you have to grow up. Growing up is a constant change in your life and the way you live and perceive it. Life is arbitrary, it`s dynamic.. and change is the only permanent thing that does not stop.
I`ve been struggling with this for months now, and I am having a hard time growing up because I can`t forgive myself for the things I have done, for the people I have wronged, for the pain I`ve cause not just to others but mostly to myself.
And I am in pain, but all I can do now is bid time to heal me, and my mind to help me find the answers to my questions, and find my own light to guide me to the right direction. I don`t want my old life anymore.
I don`t want to break things, I don`t want to drink and smoke to death, I don`t want to cry my soul out.. and I don`t want to cut myself anymore.
Having all these time in my hands is driving me nuts, but I guess handling it without doing anything rash and irrational is the best antidote to my pain.. and finding the strength to forgive myself, I hope I muster soon enough.
I want to be a better person now.
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Breather
Gadgets are supposed to help you kill time, or give you pleasure during your leisure time, and most importantly, to make you forget about things that you don`t want to think or talk about.
But these gadgets are all around me and all I want is to walk around somewhere, feel the coldness of the night, whisper to the moon, maybe have a cigar or two, and a dash of liquor to enjoy the night. When you`re too bothered about something most times you just want to be alone but even that you can`t do.
You want to sort things out inside of you, why you`re feeling this way, what is the right response to corresponding situations.. but most of all you tackle your emotions before doing anything else in a rational manner. You just want to cry it out when it`s too much to intake in one seating.
A friend would be nice at this point, but I guess when there`s not one around you will have to make do with being alone.
And this I found out about myself, I could not handle things immediately with a quick response in an amicable way. I need time to deal with the issues I hold inside of me before I communicate with someone and talk about it. Doing so without my space would lead to chaos.
And I no longer want to sound like someone like I don`t know how to be reasonable. And in this manner I need to stop now. I am enlightened and I feel better. I need to change, and I it`s not just for someone else.. it`s for myself for the most part.
